Introduction - Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience. Whether in our personal or professional lives, we will all encounter relationships that involve some degree of disagreement. I, too, have navigated my share of conflict.
Stones in the Field - On my wedding night, my mother shared a profound thought that has stayed with me. She said, "When you get into disagreements with your wife, you can choose to place a stone on the field. But if you do it repeatedly, you'll eventually lose sight of Stephenie."
I find this a powerful analogy for understanding conflict. When we begin relationships, we have a clear and open space to cultivate connection. With each conflict, we face a choice: to add a "stone" by saying something hurtful or irreparable, thus damaging the relationship. Importantly, this is a conscious decision. We can choose to let conflicts erode our bonds. While sometimes irreconcilable differences do exist, I believe that in most cases, our relationships can be preserved by the simple act of choosing not to cast that stone.
The Eureka Model - At EurekaConnect, we utilize our proprietary Conflict Model. This model positions Competing within a hierarchy of other learned behaviors, including Compromise, Accommodation, Avoidance, and Communication. Our model helps individuals understand their typical approach to relationships. It also offers valuable insights into their stress levels, which can impede personal growth. Understanding your conflict style scores allows us to provide tailored strategies for more effective collaboration with colleagues and can positively impact your personal life as well. For further information, please contact our team.
Tips for Improving Conflict Management Skills: During training and presentations, I am frequently asked how to improve conflict management skills. Over the years, I've identified a few key principles that I believe are particularly helpful:
- Acknowledge That Many Conflicts Are Perpetual: Surprisingly, research by John Gottman indicates that approximately 69% of disagreements are ongoing. This means that the majority of our conflicts are not easily resolved, yet we often approach conflict with a win-lose mentality. Recognizing that not all conflicts have a clear solution allows for greater acceptance and the possibility of agreeing to disagree.
- Reduce Stress to Enhance Conflict Management: High stress levels can trigger emotional responses that escalate conflicts. Before engaging in a difficult conversation, make an effort to lower your stress. We cannot effectively address conflict when in a negative emotional state. (For more on managing stress, please refer to our previous blog post on the topic.)
- Refine Your Listening and Communication Skills: Many conflicts stem from misunderstandings. I have previously written about the decline of active listening and comprehension. However, numerous disagreements can be avoided through clear communication. Be mindful of how your words, tone, and body language might be interpreted, and extend grace when someone misunderstands. Strong listening and comprehension skills will also enable you to better understand the other person's perspective, providing valuable insight into their thinking and reasoning, which may even lead you to reconsider your own position.
- Understand Different Conflict Styles: Individuals approach conflict in diverse ways. Some avoid it, others prioritize validating the other person's viewpoint, while some may become volatile or aggressive. The validating approach is generally the most effective; however, it's important to remember that even with this approach, only about 31% of conflicts are fully resolved.
- Prioritize the Relationship: Always begin and end with the relationship as your primary concern. It's easy to want to "win" an argument; as a competitive person, I understand this urge. However, the underlying relationship is always paramount. While there will be times when a conflict is too significant to overcome, most of the time, the relationship can be preserved if it is given priority. Recognizing the importance of social skills and goodwill in conflict is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Always put the "R" (relationship) before the "I" (issue).
Conclusion - Conflict is an inevitable part of life. The good news is that it doesn't have to define you or damage your relationships. I've witnessed many individuals whose businesses and lives have been negatively impacted by needlessly accumulating "stones" in their relationships. But this doesn't have to be the case. By understanding that conflict doesn't have to be destructive and that the relationship ultimately matters most, we can collaborate more effectively. Ultimately, the most effective way to deal with conflict is not to avoid it but to address it directly while consciously choosing not to cast that damaging stone. Strive to make interactions thoughtful.